Harry Potter's Mary Sue
by OzzyTheGnome
Summary: It was a perfectly normal day at Hogwarts. Bloodthirsty Headmasters were speaking, when a Mary Sue popped into the world, to toy with male minds. Harry Potter, to the rescue! Rated T for minor coarse language. Slightly AU.


Chapter 1: Omg, It's a Mary Sue! What the –Profanity-!?

A Harry Potter fanfiction written by Ozzythegnome

Disclaimer: Time to have my own personal shot at Mary Sues! If you think I'm JK Rowling, I'd be rolling in it! Also, I wouldn't be sitting on the computer writing fanfictions on my own books, I'd be working on new projects!

**A/N This is a one shot and I mean no offence to anybody. Also, the rubber joke is taken from another author. I forgot who, sorry. I couldn't resist using it though, it fit in soooo well! This fanfiction is set during 3****rd**** year; right after Harry gets to Hogwarts, and was attacked by the Dementors, He didn't go to the hospital wing this time. Slightly AU!**

Harry sat at the feast, his mind whirring. Was that his parents' voices he had heard? That was the first time he had heard them beyond a few sentences. He turned his head up to hear what Dumbledore was saying.

"There recently has been BLOOD an outbreak of dragon pox, and we need to KILL HARRY remember our pox cures. Don't forget the, Forbidden Forest is off YOUR NUT bounds." Harry blinked at that. Odd, he thought. It almost seemed like Voldemort and Dumbledore were switched over. He turned to his plate, and to his surprise, there was the feast! No matter how many times they did that, it was still surprising. Did they have a dumb waiter or something under there? I mean, who actually grows the grain in this place? And where do all the rubber bits go? Do they just float away?

"Blimey!" he heard Ron cry. Harry shook himself out of another Hermione-like rant, and turned to his best friend Ron. Surprisingly, Ron was not on the seat. A beautiful girl, who had long ash blonde hair, a perfect figure, etcetera, etcetera, was sitting there instead. He turned to Ron, who was lying on the ground. He, along with Ginny was glaring at the blonde. The blonde daintily managed to jammify (Harry's new word of the week) her bread in a record time, while riding the unicycle, balancing an elephant on her head, juggling scones and flaming torches, while reciting the periodic table, and writing algebraic equations.

It was time to go to class. His first class was Potions with the Old Snape-Bat. He wearily dragged himself off to class. The blonde followed him. He dragged himself past paintings, a suit of armor, and some trick stair cases before he noticed The Blonde (The name had grown capitals) behind him.

He angrily turned around and decided to spout some meaningfully rude poetry.

"Ah, who is it that follows me, a stalker, is that true?" he spouted, glaring at the blonde. "If that is correct, the stalker the day shall rue!" The Blonde proceeded to laugh prettily and preen her perfect fingernails on her spotless tunic-thingy.

"Oh you don't mean that, Harrykins" she smiled sweetly "You know that you like it!"

Harry was shocked and horrified. Dear god, a Mary Sue! He wondered. Now what would his father do in this situation? He asked himself. The answer hit him and his evil grin started to grow.

"Ow," said Harry, "answers really hurt my head. They're really hard."

"Huh?" asked The Blonde, confused.

"Never mind." replied Harry. Then, he proceeded to sing badly about how he was full of angst, how life sucks, how Voldemort wanted to kill him, and how his friends hated him.

The Blonde stared with steadily growing wide eyes.

"Oh, my life sucks! I am full of angst! Voldemort wants to kill me! I blame myself for everyone's death! I don't want to be the boy who lived! I want candy, and a family block of dark chocolate!" Harry crooned badly. The Blonde slowly ran away, and then full on pelted off. He chuckled to himself, and planned pranks for tonight….

It was 10' o clock in the Gryffindor Common Room, and all was fairly peaceful. The silence was disturbed when a piercing scream severed everyone's eardrums. A girl with bubble gum pink hair, thousands of pimples and hairy hands stormed into the room. "HA-RRY!!!!" she screamed maniacally. Harry chucked to himself. Luckily he had that cauldron full of polyjuce potion left over from his second year. Along with the Goyle hairs, pink hair dye and Pimple-come-here cream, he had turned the girl into a hideous person.

The next morning, The Blonde was gone and all was peaceful, and from there on, Harry Potter was not known as the boy-who-lived, he was known as the boy-who-took-on-a-mary-sue-and-lived-to-tell-the-tale-and-also-beat-up-the-prick-known-as-Voldemort.

All was peaceful, and they lived happily ever after. Wait scratch that, they lived happily for a day, for tomorrow was the Slytherin Quidditch match, and Harry had better get on the field before I, his captain, blow a fuse and explode. The time spent in disposing of the Mary Sue should have been used in Quidditch training! Bla bla Quidditch bla, Quidditch quaffle bla bludger bla, plays bla bla, dawn practice bla! Slytherin spy bla.

Signing off, Oliver Wood.

**A/N So, what did you think of my first fanfiction? Good or bad? Please review, if only a flame. I need some criticism, a beta or two, some plot ideas and I'll start on a novel length fanfiction. By the way, does anyone actually read these things? If you do, include this in your review: START QUOTE I don't want to be a chicken, I actually read this stuff. END QUOTE. If you see a glaring canon error, please tell me. **


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